Barrels

Tonight, on my way home from work, the roads smelled like root beer.

Spinning and spinning

I feel like my mind is always racing, but rarely am I ever thinking about anything in particular.  In my most fearful times, I wonder if I'm on the edge of some kind of personality disorder that causes this constant rotation of lack of thought.  I lay in bed and think, "Would I fall asleep easier if the TV were on?"  Then shortly after I will think, "No, probably not."   The cycle continues until I turn the TV on, wonder what to watch, put something DVD player after debating for several minutes, and set the sleep timer.  And then the thoughts begin; "Is the TV keeping me awake, now?"  You could say this is from insomnia, but this is only one example.

And in the day I'll say, "Should I draw?  I wouldn't know what to draw..."  And when I think of something, I research reference material, lay them out nicely and put pencil to paper, before I say, "Well... it probably won't look that good anyway."

I don't know what's happened to me, but I don't really like it.

Have Faith.

Doesn't really matter in what, as long as you have it.  :)

Regret(?)

I feel like I'd be in a much better place in my life if I had gone to a real art school.  Bringing the bar closer to my real life, I feel I'd be in a somewhat better place if I straightened out my priorities while I was at the school I ended up attending.  Flash forward, I feel that no matter what choices I made, my experiences have made me the person I am today, and without them I would be without many of the people I love right now.  So in fact, I am in the best place I could ever be, because that is the way life has led me.

We all make mistakes and wish we hadn't, but without those mistakes none of the things we do right after the fact would have happened.  And I for one hope that the deeds done right outweigh the flaws and wrongs commited.  It's the way I have to live my life.

I obviously didn't get that job I applied for.

...

I don't know why of all nights I had to dream of you.  Anger, hatred, bitterness, sadness, betrayal...and regret aside, it was in the most unexpected way nice to see that house again the way it was, and not how it became.  All I wanted to do was say I hate you, and I still couldn't do it aloud.  I'm not going back to sleep this morning.